Gilbert MagazineCover

The Logical Vegetarian
by G.K. Chesterton,
with an additional verse by Nathan Allen

You will find me drinking rum,
Like a sailor in a slum,
You will find me drinking beer like a Bavarian.
You will find me drinking gin
In the lowest kind of inn,
Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.

So I cleared the inn of wine,
And I tried to climb the sign,
And I tried to hail the constable as ‘Marion.’
But he said I couldn’t speak,
And he bowled me to the Beak
Because I was a Happy Vegetarian.

Oh, I knew a Doctor Gluck,
And his nose it had a hook,
And his attitudes were anything but Aryan;
So I gave him all the pork
That I had upon a fork
Because I am myself a Vegetarian.

I am silent in the club, I am silent in the pub,
I am silent on a belly peak in Darien;
For I stuff away for life
Shoving peas in with a knife,
Because I am at heart a Vegetarian.

No more the milk of cows
Shall pollute my private house
Than the milk of the wild mares of the Barbarian;
I will stick to port and sherry,
For they are so very, very,
So very, very, very Vegetarian.

*
You won't find me smoking weed
Or giving in to sordid greed
Or ogling girls like vultures circling carrion;
No, I'll stick to my cigar
Or smoke my pipe while in my car,
Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.